When someone experiences grief, it can show up in many different ways.
Some people may cry, some may be angry, and some just feel nothing and are completely numb. There is no wrong way to experience grief. Let me repeat that. There is no wrong way to experience grief.
When a loved one dies in your family, our society offers 3 days off from work. 3 days. Can you get over the grief of losing a loved one in three days? Absolutely not. The worst part of that time off is that when you do go back to work as coworkers or friends may be tip-toeing around you because they are unsure of what to say. It is expected that you move on and carry on as if nothing has happened or changed. This is the way our society handles grief. Instead of grief being visable and allowed, it often has a time limit associated with it. A well-meaning friend might say “It has been 6 months, aren’t you ready to date again?” Even though the person asking probably has good intentions, you can’t force yourself to get over grief. It doesn’t work that way at all.
Grief is seen as an isolating experience, with the only public displays of grief being a funeral or memorial service.
Although these services are usually beautiful, the person grieving often isn’t very present due to feeling the intense emotions of the loss. Is one public occasion really the only time a person should be allowed to grieve? Instead of grief isolating us, it should unite us as it is a strong experience every human has and will inevitably have to go through. Grief should never be judged and it will never be the same for each person, in fact, some people might not be grieving at all. Some people might not have known the loved one well, maybe that loved one was an abuser, we never know. It is never good to assume someone’s grief. Although this isn’t the loss of a loved one by death, think about someone you know going through a divorce. Some people are devastated to be going through a divorce, while some people are celebrating the end of their marriage. When someone says they are getting a divorce, don’t assume it’s always for the worst! Every loss has some kind of meaning for the individual experiencing it.
A question I get often is when someone decides to share their grief with me, how do I know what to say?
Let me be real with you…I don’t think anyone knows exactly what to say. How can we know? Each relationship that we have is differing in its quality, depth, and magnitude. There is no way I could understand your grief because I’m not privy to your relationships. What I can do is empathize. This doesn’t mean saying something hopeful like “Oh they are in a better place.” Although that statement is meant to be comforting it doesn’t address the pain or the grief that the person is feeling. In the early stages of grief hope can actually backfire and create more feelings of isolation or anger. Instead of saying something like “At least they are in a better place…” you might try validating with a statement such as “That sounds really difficult” or “Tell me more about what you are feeling”. Instead of being scared of hearing someone say they are sad, depressed, or falling apart, maybe you can meet them where they are. It isn’t your job to fix them or make them feel better.
Listen to them without any expectation. Each person must experience loss and grief in their own way. I firmly believe that no one can mend grief except for the person going through it. That mending usually happens with time, but it is never the same day in and day out. Grief will always be there, we will be surprised about when it shows up, but it doesn’t mean we can’t learn to recognize it within ourselves. Maybe grief shows up when you are listening to music, or talking about your loved one.
How do you handle the grief. Do you run away from it, or do you recognize it for what it is, a way to remember the love you had for the person no longer with us?
When you feel grief, do you use it as an opportunity to connect in some way with the loved one that died? Maybe you go to their favorite restaurant and eat their favorite meal. Perhaps you call another loved one and talk about that person, remembering stories of how they were in life. Maybe the feelings are too much so you go home and just cry. How you experience your grief is unique to you, and expressing it is the best way to work through it. Can you offer yourself compassion for the loss you feel? Remember that grief is like waves, constantly building and falling, rolling and unrolling. We, too, can be like the waves, changing and transforming with the experiences we have in life. Grief is just an expression of the love we have, and the pain we feel from losing something.
